Lately, I don’t know what to write about or even what to read. My thoughts bounce around inside my head, and while some of them are good, they never seem to make it to the page. This entire year has been nothing but sadness and disappointment for myself, for my family, for my friends. Covid19 has taken so much from so many people. Not just lives but life experiences and dreams. It’s become an integrated part of our everyday lives. I noticed at work the other day that, by habit, I reached to put on my mask as soon as I stood up from my desk. I’ve already developed the muscle memory for it.
I try to write and the words seem lost, like they’ve wandered off and don’t answer when I call. I try to read and the words all run together. My brain is so focused on everything else that I read an entire page and don’t retain any of the information. I feel betrayed.
I forced myself to sit and type all this just so that I could feel like I could breathe. Writing is becoming like air, and I feel deprived. I think maybe it’s because it’s the one thing in my life that I still have control of.
I’ve been filling my free hours with tv and mindlessly scrolling social media. I don’t know why because social media is lousy with politics and arguments while all I’m looking for is a little peace and something to occupy my brain.
I have a list of things I should be doing with my free time outside of work. Like the yoga I’ve been promising myself I was going to start practising again and the meditating to calm the jumbles in my mind. Cleaning is another good one. I think things won’t feel right until I get the world out of my head and reclaim it for myself. I need to steer clear of the mess that people are making of the world and put my own world to rights.
The older I get, the more I long for peace. I can’t handle the ugliness of hate and conflict. I crave the quiet. I can’t deal with angry words and spite. I long for harmony. I’m more sensitive to negativity. It drains me and weighs me down.
I’ve been trying more to be kind with my words, still smile behind my mask, and hope to gracious goodness that it will spread. Hate spreads like wildfire. It seems kindness seeps. I still hold out the hope that all is not lost and goodness will prevail.
In the meantime, inhale the good, exhale the bad. Spread kindness and let conflict end with you. Hold onto peace and rebuke hate. If I sound like a hippie, well then, good.
In the words of The Avett Brothers: I got only love to share.
There ain’t no man can save me
There ain’t no man- an enslave me
Ain’t no man or men that can change the shape my soul is in
There ain’t nobody here who can cause me pain or raise my fear
Cause I got only love to share
If you’re looking for truth I’m proof you’ll find it there